pornosexuality gothic
i miss tumblr
The porn scene on the third monitor fades to black. You queue up the next one, relieved that you noticed it right away. The last time you left a monitor idle, it went to sleep, and from the depths of the empty screen a reflection stared back at you. It wasn’t yours.
It looks like any other gooning Discord server—pages of rules no one reads, meticulous categories for every conceivable fetish, general chat full of banal greetings. You enter the voice channel. A choir of twenty-five voices are screaming in unison. You quickly disconnect.
You cannot masturbate until you have set up the porn tabs. Just one more tab, you think, and it’ll fix everything. Click click click. Just one more. The ritual must be completed before you can ascend. Click click click. Your eyes are bleary. You have not touched yourself in weeks.
The binaural tone murmurs between your ears. You cycle through every browser tab again, triple-checking, but they are all muted. The soft droning grows louder. You are not wearing headphones. It’s throbbing, pulsing like a living thing, and you are ready to obey.
You have been waiting all week to catch the newest scene from your favorite pornstar. You load up the video on the center monitor. Your body is quivering with excitement. Two hours pass. You watched five other scenes on the other monitors instead.
You have so many fetishes now. You can’t even remember most of them. They latch onto to you like ticks on flesh. Sometimes you worry that your mind is too open, that anything could crawl in through the headphone wire and feast on the parts that porn hasn’t taken yet. You fetishized this too, long ago.
Slowly, slowly, she says. You don’t remember setting up these screens or laying out these towels. You don’t remember when she began to speak. She is still speaking. The video title says “jerk off instruction” but you are pretty sure you knew how to masturbate, before. Now it’s inconceivable without her voice. She made time run in reverse. You try not to think too hard about this. You wonder what else you will unlearn. ✨